:/

It has been forever since I have written on this blog, partly because I hate half the people that follow it. I guess I'm writing to put off writing on my This Bites, but I am also writing because I am afraid of college. It starts so soon, and I know I am not prepared. The main thing I am afraid of though is that other kids won't like me. I feel like I am starting kindergarten all over again, or 5th grade when I changed schools and everyone hated me because I was weird and I only had two fiends (shout out to Larry if he is reading this). I have always been scared of meeting new people, and horrible at starting conversations. I really just want to be liked in my new school, but I feel like it is not going to happen.

What I Want in a Girl (and I don't think I am asking to much):

I want a girl who....

Is smarter than me but doesn't rub it in. (90% of the girls I know are now out of the picture lol.)

Like to read and write.

Can put up with my insanity.

Pushes me to be better.

Likes old school video games.

Is talented in some sort of art. (Painting, music, writing,  ect. Just not photography.)

Is very open to new things.

Adventuroues.

Can spell check for me.

Doesn't mind me talking during movies.

Likes to talk on the phone at insane hours of the night.

Texts me whenever I want her to but also gives me space.

Likes to cuddle.

Likes PDA but doesn't exspect it. (I like PDA but sometimes I don't. It is hard to explain it has something to do with my comfort level of the surroundings.)

Like road trips.

Uhm I think that is all lol. If you actually read this thank you for taking the time, and if you think you fit this desription don't hesitate to message me =]. I need spell check fast lol.

You

You came in and left nothing standing. You are like a Zubat, you suck the life out of me? Does it revigorate you? Does it make you feel good about yourself? You say I wasn't there for you when you needed me, but why should I have been? You had him, remember? The guy you left me for. The reason you are so childish is because you don't care about anyone but yourself and you do 'whatever you want' because you don't have to worry about the consequences. I mean why should you? It isn't like you're a good person or anything. Why should you worry about anything? That's why you will always be ignorant ghetto white trash.

I am not kicking you out of my life to hurt you, because I can't hurt you, you don't care about me. I am kicking you out of my life because I want to save myself. I stopped cutting as soon as I got you out of my life last time, and I started cutting as soon as you came back in. You are a wrecking ball you destroy everything in your sight. How come you can't be in a commited relationship with me, but you have no problem being in one with anyone else? Regardless of your beliefs I have always been there for you, and I have forgiven you of everything you have done to me. I will even forgive you for this, I already have, but I will never take you back into my life.

YOU

You made me believe you cared; I ate it up like a spoonful of cyanide. Now I must reject you from my system, but I can't. You are a wrecking ball, and you have no right breaking everything.

FUCK EVERYTHING!

I want to be dead. Thank you for coming into my life and pretending to care about me. It was nice while it lasted.

My Story of Self-Harm

This story starts off with a stupid boy and a manipulative girl. Allow me to describe the boy in fuller detail: This boy is the stupidest boy you will ever meet and his existence has absolutely no purpose at all, while he has also felt this the manipulative girl confirmed it. The first day was a mistake, every time was a mistake but the first day was especially. She had cut herself for some reason a fight or something stupid as everything in this relationship was something stupid. The fight was over and she had cut herself, she cut his initials into her but did not finish. She said she was going to finish the initials and he told her he did not want her to, and why would he? He loved her. He told her, being as stupid as he was, that if she finished the initials he would cut himself.

She, being the selfish little manipulative bitch she is finished it anyways. He took out his shaving razor and slit his wrist with the precession blade. This was the first time he had ever cut and he swore to never do it again, but this stupid boy had a habit of breaking his promises. He confided in his friends and his mother found out he cried for hours and was forced to dump her. A few days later, being the retarded piece of shit he is, he took her back. The fighting continued and the cutting started again, eventually she cheated on him and dumped him.

From then on he cut nonstop everyday only stopping when he no longer had room on his wrist legs stomach chest and sometimes face. The next two years past by in blur with only a couple of significant memories. The first time he almost died for example, 2 years later he has no clue what caused it but he will never forget the hour after that, the scars won't let him. Imagine a bomb going off in your face, that’s what it was like. His vision faded and he could barely see, it was so dark, he was so scared. His ears started ringing and he kept retching like he was about to throw up but as he also had a problem with eating there was nothing in his stomach to throw up. He made his way downstairs it took a few seconds but it felt like hours. He opened his refrigerator because he was so hot. He sat in it and bled out into the refrigerator for around an hour with his parents in the next room watching a movie. He will never know why he did this, but he will never forget it. The one time this stupid boy needed to be smart he actually managed it, he ripped up and old shirt and bandaged himself the best he could. If it was not for this shirt he would be dead.

He thought he finally overcame his cutting after that but he was sadly mistaken and has incidents every few months. The uncertainty scares him, he doesn't know if he will ever be done with it.

Victory Garden?

So my garden is really starting to sprout and needless to say I am very happy. This garden has helped me realize a dream, a dream that I have had for a long time but have recently rediscovered. This dream is to one day start a resturant that will serve things just grown by myself in my garden. I know that earlier in this blog I ragged on TCC but I think I have decided to take Gardening classes there. Also I am going to have WAY MORE potatoes then I know what to do with soooo someone close should start their own garden so we can trade excess veggies =] come on bro, it will be awesome.

Astro - Product Of My Environment

Freedom Garden

Due to me trying radical honesty I would like to share something with you all that I have never shared before. I want to start a community that is completely self-sufficient. Like from stuff as simple as food to as complex as housing and clothing.  So I decided, why wait? Today I started planting my own 'Victory Garden' I only have a few things planted so far but I hope that in a few years I will have enough to completely sustain my future family.

EPICNESS

This has to be the best 8-bit song I have ever heard. NO, it has to be the best dubstep song I have ever heard. I am very confused.

Graduating?

So as it gets closer and closer to graduation I am freaking out more and more. It seems like just yesterday I was in 9th grade acting retarded, now it is 3 years later and I am equally retard and WAY more spastic. It seems like everyday is going by faster and faster and it is like a month till graduation and I have NO plans for the future. I have no license, no job, no motivation, no college plans, and NO CLUE WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT. Being 17 I think I am going to have to go with the license being more important lol. Also it seems I have caught a really bad case of senioritis. I am like pshhh I have one month left, I don't need this sh*t. 

When I graduate I would like to attend Full Sail but I cant afford it grr. So I will probably take core classes at TCC which will make me very upset. I want to be a music producer but I realize how unrealistic that is. I will probably have to settle for making music for video games, movies, and tv shows. Unfortuenatly all the music I enjoy making has basically NO MARKET. It really sucks being an original...

-Astro

First

Soooo first post, whooo. I am very fustrated but I am not going to get into that right now. I think tomorrow I am going to try to upload some new music. I have been working on a lot lately and not posting anything. My friend told me I should try this whole 'blogging' thing but I don't even know what a blog is for real. So what you should do is go listen to some of my music.

Hmmmmm I need to be entertaining, so yesterday I was watching bones and I heard about something that is kind of cool, it is called 'Radical Honesty'. I think I am going to try it and you should all hit that link and get their free ebook, I started reading it yesterday and it is pretty good. On another note I do not like book readers, they hurt my eyes. I would much rather have a printed book.

So here is what I am thinking so far on Radical Honesty. I think it is pretty exposing, and I don't like that. Their site says that it is the way to a happier life, but I dont really see the connection to that and exposing myself for everyone to see. I tried it for a few hours yesterday on people I knew I would never have to talk to again and it was pretty awkward. In Radical Honesty, to me at least, it means not holding anything back. To me that also ment to say whatever came into my head which made me sound really random. I think people need to sort or reserve themselves.

Well I am off for today, before Radical Honesty I probably would have told you that I was going to go read more of that book, but to be honest I am going to watch T.V.

Bit of Randomness:
Every TV Show I have Seen Every Episode of:
That 70's Show
Friends
Sons of Tuson
Lost

. . .There might be more but I can't think of it.

-Astro